How can one word change a whole conversation?

Take this sample conversation

Agent: everytime I pick up the phone, it's someone complaining about the cost of our service.
Manager: Is it everytime?

Agent: well... no, but it happens alot!
Manager: more than half?
Agent: hmmmm...well maybe less than half, but, there is nothing I can do about it!!
Manager:  Nothing?  Can you review their services to ensure they are getting the best value?
Agent: yes..but, it always turns into a fight!
Manager: Always?

Every time and Never

We all do this!  Especially in our personal life!  We use words like "always, every time, never, nothing.."  and I think we do it for a couple reasons:  A - it essentially creates a shelter for your wounded, deflated self; a "poor me" vibe.  B - we want people to empathize with us, we want our feelings to be confirmed.

It takes a lot of effort to say "many, on occasion, sometimes.."  instead, because it feels like we aren't hurting as badly as we want people to believe.  We aren't buying our own crap.  The results of this type of wording change drastically however.  It open each participant to a discussion rather than a "pity party."  I still catch my self doing it..it's hard to modify! Try it, go to the above conversation and notice what changes if the agent used the factually correct adverb....I'll wait...

EVERYTHING CHANGES!  Isn't that cool?!  It keeps the conversation realistic and factual.  It moves away from having to justify someone's feelings to having to help solve their problem.

I typically try to keep people focused on the facts first.  Let's solve the problem and then revisit the feelings, if needed.  Separating the conversation this way helps people be part of the solution and steers them away from saying something they may regret.

The word "But.."

Is so BAD!!  It's freaking dismissive!  It takes whatever is said before it and basically pushes it out of the way.  Like the example above, the manager deduced that perhaps the price complaints were less than half of the total calls, however, that wasn't the agents point,  so the agent moved on, dismissed the fact, and replaced it with another "poor me".

Again, let's go up to the example, and replace the word "but" with the word "and"?  It totally changed again - didn't it!?!?!

The word "and" not only acknowledges the point made before it but it changes the statement after it!  It makes the "poor me" irrelevant and focussed on the issue.

Try it!

I have often coached managers of Call Centres to make a game of it.  When your team uses these words, they get called out on it. Set up a swear jar. make a stupid hat they have to wear, a stuffed bear they have to carry around or just let people point and laugh.  Whatever works for your team environment.

Watch the conversation changes, the comfort level in the team changes, their interaction with their customers change.  All of that can't be bad!!